I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
