Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
