Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Randomize
