Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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