Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
