We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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