Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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