It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
