Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
