Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
