Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
