Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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