She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
