I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
