phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
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Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
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I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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