i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
