cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
