God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
that may or may not have been my penis.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
