I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
