I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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