my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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