my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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