Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
