Old men and throwing up are my life now.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
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Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
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Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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