my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
