man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
