I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
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Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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