Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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