Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
