so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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