I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
