Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
