There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
