Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
