True but thats because hes a fetus.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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