Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
