i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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