My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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