i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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