Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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