Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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