Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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