Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize