I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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