I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
