He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
