I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
