I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
