Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
