my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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