i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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