Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
