im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
not ubering you a puppy
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
