saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.