ya dads aren't the best wingmen
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
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I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
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You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me