So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.