Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.