im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA