Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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