In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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