Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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